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Posted by on Dec 17, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

How Do I Monitor My Kid’s Social Media?

This week’s Panic Button Podcast question is a fun one: “How do I monitor my kid’s social media?”

There’s a bigger conversation here than just porn.

Take Instagram, for instance… even though the platform doesn’t technically allow porn, it does slip through. And regardless of technicalities, there is still more risqué stuff to swipe through than anything that was easily available to me as a kid.

As a parent, you can never forget that your responsibility as a parent is… to parent. So, you might be trying to monitor something for your child that shouldn’t even be an option right now. Personally, I think that – if you’re not old enough to begin to understand or know who you are – you’re not old enough to post on social media.

We, as humans, seem not only to love bad things, but also to love to bring attention to them. We’re living in a world where our kids are going to be praised for bad behavior. Frankly? They’re going to be rewarded for posting slutty photos.

Oftentimes, our kids simply aren’t prepared or responsible enough to use the things we put in front of them… like a phone that’s also a pocket-computer with the entire world available at the click of a button. If you’re worried about what your kid is doing on social media, don’t forget that you’re the parent. You still have the ability to monitor – or completely restrict – their use of it.

At this point, it’s not enough to excuse your absence in this conversation simply because you don’t understand something like Instagram or Snapchat. That’s a problem. Start understanding what this stuff is. Be involved. Talk about it. Use these learning opportunities for both you and your children. And sometimes… if it comes to it, you just have to put your foot down and say no. That’s okay.

Get involved, pay attention, and – sometimes – say “no” to your kids.

But also, tell them why you’re saying no.

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • As a parent, you can never forget that your responsibility as a parent is… to parent.
  • You might be trying to monitor something for your children that shouldn’t even be an option yet. I would ask myself, “Should we even be allowing this right now?”
  • We, as humans, seem not only to love bad things, but also to love to bring attention to them.
  • We’re living in a world where our kids are going to be praised for bad behavior. Frankly? They’re going to be rewarded for posting slutty photos.
  • Social media has given us the ability to be people we are not.
  • Some people just want attention. The Westboro Baptist “God Hates Fags” people would all go away if we just stopped responding to them.
  • My son at 15 says, “Dad, I get it now.” He sees the things his friends post on Instagram and he gets now why we’ve held back on giving our kids access to social media.
  • Get involved, pay attention, and say no to your kids sometimes. But tell them why you’re saying no.


LISTEN TO THE AUDIO

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Posted by on Dec 10, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

My Daughter Is Posting Inappropriate Photos of Herself Online, What Do I Do?

 

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On my podcast The Panic Button, I get a lot of questions from people who are, well… in a panic. Oftentimes, when you’re in a panic, it’s in response to something.

I don’t get many preventative questions like, “Hey, my daughter’s about to turn 13 and we’re considering letting her on Instagram. What are some concerns that I should be aware of – or precautions or boundaries I should place on my 13-year-old –before I allow her on Instagram?”

Wouldn’t that be a good question? I never get that one.

I get questions like, “My daughter’s posting inappropriate things on social media. What do I do?!?”

The real issue this question boils down to is boundaries.

Are we teaching our kids boundaries and responsibility when we hand them an $800 phone or are we letting them go wild? As a parent, I am shocked that we give our kids these devices but fail to teach them how to use them responsibly.

Here’s what I’d tell this person: you’re the parent, she’s the child.

I don’t care if you’re best friends. I don’t care if you have a best-friend necklace or best friend tattoos.

You’re still the parent. You’re in control.

Your daughter has a curfew. She probably has to get passing grades. Heck, she might even have to do the dishes or be nice to her brother. I mean, there are certain rules we have for our kids because we’re the parents and they’re the children.

So, there are responsibilities that come with giving your kid an $800 toy (like a phone).

It’s not just a kid toy.

In this episode, I share a few rules that I have for my kids about phones and some ideas about how to use those phones to build relationships instead of wasting time and posting things they’ll come to regret.

Kids will be up to no good, not because they’re awful human beings, but they’re kids and they don’t know what we should know as adults. Ease them into this stuff and don’t just give them a device and let them run free. Don’t make them learn the hard way. 

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • You’re the parent, she’s the child. I don’t care if you’re best friends. I don’t care if you have a best-friend necklace or a best-friend tattoo. You’re still the parent. You’re in control.
  • I think when we give our kids a phone, the first thing I want to teach them is: this is a tool for me to be able to get ahold of you.
  • I’ve seen a lot of families use their iPad as a babysitter at a restaurant, and then their kids don’t know how to look up from the screen for one second to order their food. They don’t know how to communicate, let alone have a conversation or relationship with somebody.
  • Our kids are gonna grow up and be out of the house one day and have to make bigger decisions and choices than what app to download. Help them learn to make healthy choices now, so that they can keep making them, then.
  • I want you to think twice about what you send to somebody, what you share, and what you post publicly because it’s going to live on the internet forever.
  • Don’t feel bad for parenting. You’re the parent and you know what your kids need (and what you need).
  • Kids will be up to no good, not because they’re awful human beings, but they’re kids and they don’t know what we should know as adults. Don’t make them learn the hard way.

 

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Posted by on Dec 3, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

How Does Viewing Porn as a Child Impact Future Behavior and the Brain?

 

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In today’s Whiteboard Session, Steven Luff, a licensed MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) in the state of CA, co-author of Pure Eyes: a Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity and creator of the X3Pure on-line recovery program, answers a question we get often from parents: what is porn doing to my kid’s brain? How is looking at porn during puberty impacting their future behavior?

In this video, Steve shares how the pathways to the brain are majorly shaped two times in our lives: before the age of 5 and during puberty. When teens the age of 11 or 12 or 13 use porn or drugs or alcohol, they’re reshaping the pathways of pleasure to the brain and create a dependence on whatever substance brought them that pleasure. Not only that, but they aren’t learning how to manage their emotions and communicate with the people around them.

Parents, you’ve gotta have open conversations with your kids about porn. Don’t shame them but tell them that porn isn’t a choice that’s going to make them develop into a healthier person. What kids need instead are opportunities for them to be challenged and make mistakes and to learn.

Sometimes kids turn to porn because their parents are too restrictive and don’t allow them to make mistakes. Porn is super easy, but it doesn’t build any strength. It doesn’t build any resolve. It doesn’t build any character. If I want a relationship, if I want marriage, it doesn’t just land on my lap like porn does. It’s not freaking pancakes and syrup.

Parents, to help your kids develop healthy habits give them just enough challenges that it’s a little frustrating but not so frustrating that your child can’t accomplish it. And know when to step in and when not to step in. And with adolescents in this, when to step in is to tell them “We don’t use porn.”

Also, don’t forget to check out X3christmas.com to get your free access to the Resentment video series.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • More kids today think not recycling is a bigger deal than looking at porn.
  • We humans are in a very elegantly designed body with a lot of parts and systems. Sometimes these systems can get off track. And Porn is certainly one way to get your systems off track.
  • Physiologically speaking, porn is not good.
  • Porn affects our emotional lives. It affects how we go through the world. It affects how we feel about ourselves. It affects a lot of things and I don’t recommend.
  • There are plenty of wonderful things in life and porn is just not one of them.
  • Sex is about connection. It’s not about an object. Once sex becomes about objectifying something, that’s when sex becomes a substance of abuse.
  • Parents, give your kids spaces and opportunities for them to be challenged.
  • Sometimes kids turn to porn because their parents are too restrictive and don’t allow their child to make mistakes.
  • Porn is super easy, but it doesn’t build any strength. It doesn’t build any resolve. It doesn’t build any character.
  • If I want a relationship, if I want marriage, it doesn’t land on my lap like porn does. It’s not freaking pancakes and syrup.

 

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Posted by on Nov 26, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

Can Masturbation Help My Marriage?

 

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Welcome back to another episode of the Panic Button Podcast. This week, I’ve got another question about masturbation.

So today’s question is: “Can masturbation help my marriage?”

We’re taking the whole month to talk about masturbation because everywhere I go, people want to justify what they want to do, and they’ll ask every question possible until they hear that masturbation might be helpful…

Then they’ll take that answer out of context, and run with it.

Can masturbation actually help your marriage? You sitting here on the toilet while she’s sleeping? I don’t know how that’s gonna help you. If you’re thinking about her, then go talk to her and do something with her.

Does masturbation help your marriage? I don’t think so. I think – ultimately – it’s just going to keep you apart rather than keeping you connected.

What’s going to help your marriage? Communication.

Building a closeness between you and your spouse on a physical, spiritual, and emotional level.

If you’re struggling with these types of issues but don’t have anyone to talk to, check out our Small Groups Online program. We have around 80 groups of men or women who meet online to have these conversations with folks going through the same things you are.

Go to SmallGroupsOnline.com and use the coupon code DOLLAR to get your first month for only a dollar.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • Do you resort to the bathroom instead of the bedroom?
  • What’s going to help your marriage? Communication. Building a closeness between you and your spouse on a physical, spiritual, and emotional level.
  • Communication is going to connect you to one another, create an investment in one another and cause you to actually pursue one another.
  • Maybe women don’t have as much of a sex drive as men, but what if you – as a man – did a better job of making your desires toward / the pursuit of your wife known? Husbands, put your efforts toward them instead of yourselves.
  • Make a goal in your marriage to have sex more and then check in with each other. How are we doing this week? How are we doing this month?

 

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Posted by on Nov 19, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

Can I Masturbate to Photos of My Wife?

 

About This Episode

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Welcome back to another episode of the Panic Button Podcast. This week, I’ve got another question about masturbation. The email asks: 

“What’s your take on masturbation if I do think of my wife?”

It’s a good question, honestly. I travel a lot, I’m away from my wife for weeks at a time, so I get it. Here’s what I hear from this question, “Hey, I’m traveling, or I’m going overseas, or I’m gone a lot for work… and I need to take care of myself.”

This month we’re talking about self-control. Frankly, I think we all just struggle with what that actually means.

Personally, if I wait four days without masturbating, I’m going to be really excited to see my wife when I get home, and happy to have sex.

But this idea of I can’t wait..!

Well, why not involve your wife in that?

I know it can be a little awkward. Rather than rub one out alone, though, why not call her and say, “Hey, I miss you,” and have a little sweet talk?

There might be some embarrassment or awkwardness, but there’s no shame in that. If you can’t even talk with your wife about it, you’re going to masturbate and you’re going to feel guilty. That’s where the shame will come from. Sex is meant to be shared between you and your spouse. When you just masturbate on your own without her (or without him), I think you do yourself a disservice.

I’m not the masturbation police, but here’s my recommendation: if you’re away from your spouse, and you miss him or you miss her and you feel that urge, rather than just thinking about them… why don’t you call them?

It might lead to some fun that you can share together.

 

Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • Here’s the answer… I think it’s okay (in the context for which the question was asked).
  • Shame is the enemy… And some of you might fight me on this, but for you to desire your spouse at that level is okay.
  • If you’re away and you can’t wait, why not involve your wife in that? I know it can be a little awkward, but rather than rub one out alone, why not call her and say, “Hey, I miss you,” and have a little sweet talk?
  • Sex is meant to be shared between you and your spouse.
  • You’re away from your spouse. You miss her. You miss him. You feel that urge. Rather than just thinking about them… call! (Maybe your discussion can lead to some fun.)

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