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Posted by on Jan 14, 2019 in Blog | 0 comments

My Wife Is So Angry About My Porn Use, What Can I Do?

Hey guys, Craig again. This month we’re talking about resentment, so – speaking of – here’s a question I often receive: “My wife is so angry about my porn use, what can I do?”

If you’re reading that question and coming to the realization that, “Oh no! That’s me…!” – you’re in the right place.

And – if you’re the angry wife (justifiably so) – fed up with your husband’s porn use, you’re also in the right place.

The first thing to understand is this: a husband and wife are going to look at the husband’s porn use in totally different ways. For guys, it might be a one-off fantasy. But for your wife…? To her, it feels like you’ve entered into a relationship with someone else.

There’s a total disconnect between you two. Husbands, you have to put yourself in her shoes. Start there. That’s the number one thing.

When we choose not to listen to one another – when we allow resentment to detract from our ability to sympathize with and meet one another where we’re both at – we inevitably construct a wall that keeps us from connection and intimacy. She’s mad that he’s still looking at porn. He’s mad that she doesn’t want to have sex.

Up and up it goes, each new offense another layer of cinderblock atop a wall growing too high to climb. That’s where marriages end. It’s where relationships fall apart. Your wall has become insurmountable, and your friendship has devolved into a chasm.

This week, I want to introduce you to Carl and Katie Thomas. Maybe their story is a lot like your story. If you find yourself doubting that, someday, you and your spouse could be healed from porn and resentment, you need to watch this video. 

In this week’s podcast, Carl and Katie talk about how porn impacted their marriage… but they also talk about what created the porn problem in the first place. Resentment was not only a root cause of tension in their marriage, but also a root cause of Carl’s porn use. When Katie was able to understand and empathize with Carl (and vice verse), both of them were able to work together toward overcoming pornography, and the cycle of resentment it caused in their relationship.

 

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • You’re a grown adult, and you taking responsibility for yourself shows that you’re interested in change. You’re interested in working through and past the problem.
  • Husbands, you’ve got to put yourself in your wife’s shoes before you expect her to put herself in yours.
  • Resentment is like a wall in your relationship.
  • Relationships end when the walls you’ve been building between you become insurmountable.

 

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO

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Posted by on Jan 7, 2019 in Blog | 0 comments

How to Identify and Move Past Resentment

Hey guys, Craig here. Happy New Year!

This January, we’re going to be talking about a project that we’ve been working on called: Resentment. One night, a few months back, it hit me that so many people are afraid to get help and pursue healing because they can’t stop looking back at their past.

So, I decided that I wanted to talk about it.

The root of your pain is not your porn addiction. It’s not your failed marriage. There’s something underneath all of that.

It might be trauma.

It might be pain.

It might be something that you did, or it might be something that was done to you.

No matter what it was, you’re experiencing resentment because you can’t or won’t let go.

So, we started Resentment.org to help one another discover the root – to figure out the why – and how to dig it up.

In today’s Whiteboard Session, Steven Luff, a licensed MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) in the state of CA, co-author of Pure Eyes: a Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity and creator of the X3Pure on-line recovery program, talks about how to identify and move past resentment.

So much of the resentment that we experience grows out of disappointment caused by unmet expectations.

We have our eyes on some imaginary promised land, or a fantasy about something that we were supposed to have but didn’t get. As we hang on to that fantasy, rather than accepting our reality and recognizing that we have the freedom to change – to make our own decisions and live our own lives – our bitterness grows and compounds upon itself.

The brain can heal. It’s pliable. But to heal requires an acceptance of the things that happened. So much of recovery is about growing up.

People don’t want to look back. It’s understandable. Once you start looking back, you feel like your whole world is falling apart. The trick is to be in a community of people who can support you through the fall.

There’s a saying in recovery communities:

“When you’re falling apart, you’re actually falling together.”

Once you are able to recognize that you have this feeling called resentment, it’s useful to go to a therapist or someone in the community who can help you unpack your emotions. There’s no shame in asking for help. “I feel this way. Is it realistic that I feel this way? What do I want out of life?”

If you want to get over any challenge you have in your life – especially resentment – it requires your willingness to get up, get out of your chair and find a community of people who can speak into your life in ways that are realistic, honest and loving at the same time.

Those people exist, and they’re ready to meet you.

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • Resentment is a product of me thinking that life is supposed to be something that it isn’t, rather than accepting it as it is and recognizing that I have the freedom to make my own decisions and live my own life.
  • Resentment is a product of not accepting the fact that other people in this world can make whatever decisions they want to make.
  • Once I was able to understand that I could make – and began to make – my own decisions, I found that I actually have a lot more freedom on this planet than I thought.
  • Integrity is the antonym – the opposite – of resentment.
  • Christ as the best model for integrity. He was tempted by the devil. He went through his trials and tribulations, but he knew what he was called to do.
  • Recovery is about growing up: looking at the past, looking at where you came from, accepting that some things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go. It also doesn’t mean that life ends there.
  • God is in new, loving relationships (and not the opposite).
  • When you’re falling apart, you’re actually falling together.
  • Sometimes you just have to sit with it as it is and say, “that sucked.”
  • Real, honest and loving communities of people are out there, waiting for you.

 

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO

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Posted by on Jan 1, 2019 in Uncategorized |

Should One Person Be In Control of a Relationship?

Should one person be in control of a relationship? Being in a relationship is never easy. From what I have seen at London escorts, relationship worries can add a lot of stress to your life. Many of the gents I have met at London escorts keep going through relationships like a knife through butter. It seems to me that many men choose the walk away option when it comes to relationship problems. The rest of them seem to think they should be in charge of their relationships and control everything.

From my experience at London escorts, I have found that a lot of men still think it is okay to for the man to be the dominate partner in a relationship. To have have a happy relationship, I don’t think that any one partner should be allowed to dominate relationship. It may sound like it is the easy option for one person to be in charge. If that is the case, why do so many men I date at London escort go from relationship crisis to relationship crisis? The men I date at London escorts may be good at business but I am not sure how good they are at relationships.

If you find yourself wondering how to handle a live in relationship with a woman, it could be a good idea to have a chat to your sexy companion at London escorts. You will find that lots of the girls who work for London escorts services have plenty of experience when it comes to relationship. Believe me, during my time with London escorts at this adult site I have had so many hard luck relationship stories told to me that I have become a relationship expert my default. If you need advice, please feel free to give me a call.

To make a relationship a happy one, it is important to show each other respect. One of the best ways to do so, is to make all decisions on a joint basis. Talk about things, and then decide how you would like to move forward. Not only is that the best way to achieve a good working relationship, but is a good way to solve any potential problems which you may be experiencing at the same time. If you find that you can’t talk to a partner, there must be something seriously wrong with your relationship.

I love resolving relationship problem. It is not really my job at London escorts to get personally involved in any relationship, but there are times when I simply can’t stop myself from doing so. Not all of the gents I date at London escorts appreciate my efforts if you know what I mean. They kind of give me a funny to look as to tell me to stay out of their relationships. Maybe I should consider becoming a relationship counsellor when I finally leave London escorts. It would be a little bit more challenging than working for an escort agency in London, but I think it is the sort of thing which I would be rather good at after my career is over

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Posted by on Dec 31, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

Who Can I Go to for Help with My Child’s Porn Problem?

This month, we’re talking about how to help parents talk to their kids about porn. Today’s question is, “Who can I go to for help with my child who might be looking at porn?”

As parents, and perhaps especially as Christian parents, we want to pretend that we have it all together. We might not go looking for help because it might mean being honest about what’s really going on.

So you’ve got to get over that first.

If it’s any consolation, I guarantee you that there are other parents asking the same questions that you are. The problem is, we’re just not talking about it.

Once, at my son’s soccer game, a mom asked me, “How do I check to see if there are nude photos on a DM?” So, I went through what felt like a whole lesson, and these moms started talking about their concerns and how they were (or weren’t) dealing with them. They were actually talking about it and learning from one another.

If your kids are just going through life unchecked – if no one’s ever going to ask – then no one’s ever going to look at their phones. Left to their own devices, our kids simply aren’t going to make the best decisions (after all… did you?).

As a parent, I would implore you to get as comfortable as you can with your children so you can talk to them about it.

Don’t shame them.

Don’t threaten them or take their stuff away. If you do that then they won’t open up.

Your kids are learning – just like all of us – and grace goes a long way. Even if there is a problem, the scriptures say that “it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance.” So, show them His kindness.

Also, as a parent, you really need some other parents in your life. When you go out with your friends, try to talk about something more than football and shopping. Ask questions – real questions.

“Hey, have you found porn on your kid’s phone? Hey, are people sending your daughter dink pics yet?”

Have real conversations with your friends. They don’t need to be “off limits.” This whole, weird aura of unapproachable subjects related to sex and pornography doesn’t have to be so weird.

Find out what they’re doing and what they’re not doing, and use what you learn to begin implementing some “best practices” of your own. And whatever you do: don’t do nothing. The worst thing that you can do is nothing.

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • As parents, and perhaps especially as Christian parents, we often want to pretend that we have it all together. We might not go looking for help because it might mean being honest about what’s really going on.
  • I guarantee you that there are other parents asking the same questions that you are. The problem is, we’re just not talking about it.
  • If your kids are just going through life unchecked – if no one’s ever going to ask – then no one’s ever going to look at their phones. Left to their own devices, our kids simply aren’t going to make the best decisions (after all… did you?).
  • As a parent, I would implore you to get as comfortable as you can with your children so you can talk to them about it.
  • As we heard in the first Whiteboard video we did, the entirety of your teen’s brain is not fully developed… so help them protect that development – that precious part of themselves – and love them in the ways that only you can.
  • You – as a parent – need other parents in your life.
  • You’ve got to have real conversations.
  • The worst thing that you can do is do nothing.


LISTEN TO THE AUDIO

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Posted by on Dec 24, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

How to Protect Your Kids in an Online World

I was recently in Phoenix, where I had the opportunity to talk with Christ’s Church of the Valley (CCV) about helping parents protect their kids in our “online” world.

I thought I’d do the same, here, as well. If you’re a parent who is wondering how you can talk to your kids… here’s what I would tell you:

First, you are not primarily your kids’ friend. You’re their parent. So you should parent them. 

Second, you can’t be a passive parent. If you don’t know what apps your kids are using (or what sites they’re going to), then how could you ever know what boundaries might be necessary to set in place for your son or daughter?

Do the work. Find out what apps your kids are using. Your busyness is not an excuse for failing to figure out how to best protect your kids from pornography.

Third, have the hard conversations. Talk with your spouse, partner, or co-parent about setting boundaries. Should we get our 13-year-old a phone? Do you think it would be a problem? These questions are great starting points… so ask them.

And talk to your kid.

And don’t wait until high school, either. Children discover pornography at an unbelievably young age, and that age has – and is only – getting earlier and earlier. For the first conversation, moms talk to girls, and dads talk to boys.

You don’t need to overthink it. Just ask questions and get your kids talking. And use everyday opportunities to continue the conversations.

Your kids can Google their questions or they can come to you, and if you can provide a sense of safety and security when those questions arise, then you might just become their go-to encyclopedia. No questions should be off limits, and no questions should be “bad.”

If anything, and especially when these kinds of conversations become natural (which they do, if you’re having them!), your mutual trust in one another will only grow.

Lastly, be proactive and prepare for these conversations. If you’re prepared, you’ll be calmer when the time comes (instead of feeling like the whole world is falling apart).

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • If you’re a parent, whatever you think porn is isn’t likely to be what your child thinks it is. The pornography that our kids are into and watching is on a whole different level than anything we grew up with.
  • You bought the phone. You control the TV. You control the Internet. You set the boundaries in your house.
  • If your kids are spending two to four to six hours in front of a device, they’re going to find things that you’re don’t want them looking at. If they have limited time, there’s less of a chance that they’re going to be exposed to things that you don’t want them seeing.
  • Don’t just talk to your kids about porn. You need to talk to your spouse about porn too. It can’t be off the table.
  • The “one and done” sex-talk days are over with – and they should never have existed in the first place. The sex/porn talk must be a continuous conversation that we have with our kids.
  • You don’t need to overthink it. Just ask questions and get your kid talking.
  • Your kids know that they can either Google the answers to their questions, or they can come to you. I think that if you can provide safety and security… hey, you know what? No questions are bad.

  • LISTEN TO THE AUDIO

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