Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Nov 12, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

Is Masturbation Helping Me Stay Pure?

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

Today’s episode of the Panic Button Podcast features a question we receive from folks often:

“Is there any way that masturbation helps you stay pure?”

I mean, if by “staying pure” you mean not having sex or getting an STD then… sure, it can “help.” I’ve met a lot of married people who say that they wouldn’t have made it to the altar as virgins if it weren’t for masturbation.

I found that the church often has a weird idea about what “pure” means, and it often translates to: “if you’re having sex, then just get married and then you won’t have to feel bad about it anymore.” Unfortunately, a lot of people who don’t want to have sex before marriage end up marrying the wrong person… just to have sex.

Don’t get married just to have sex.

At the same time, there are plenty of people who take the opposite approach, masturbating their way to the wedding aisle.

I’m not sure that’s any better.

In fact, I’d say that you might be in worse shape when it comes to marriage, and actually engaging in a relationship.

Now… do not hear me wrong, or put words in my mouth that I’m not saying. If you’re reading this thinking, “Craig just said that masturbation is worse than having premarital sex…!”

No, I’m absolutely not saying that.

But I am saying that masturbation hasn’t necessarily kept you “pure” just because you haven’t engaged in actual sex with someone prior to your wedding night. More than likely, it’s been coupled with the hard drive of porn in your mind that you’re using every time you masturbate.

You won’t stop masturbating if you develop a habit of it. I think that’s the hardest part of this question. Masturbation is easy. It’s by yourself. It engages no one, and it demands nothing of you.

So yes, masturbation could possibly prevent you from having sex, but it’s sure as hell not keeping you pure. And it’s going to be a very hard habit to break.

 

Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • Don’t get married just to have sex.
  • If you masturbate your way to the wedding aisle, I would say that you might be in worse shape than if you’d have had premarital sex. You didn’t get anyone pregnant. You didn’t get an STD. But you’ve habituated yourself to the ease of masturbation, and it is nothing like sex with a real partner who has needs, feelings, and emotions that you’re not used to meeting alone.
  • I don’t think masturbation is keeping you pure, but could it save you from having sex? Sure. In the end, though, is that a “Wow!?”
  • People live beneath the false notion that marriage solves everything, but you won’t stop masturbating if you’ve turned it into a habit.
  • Masturbation might prevent you from having sex, but it’s sure as hell not keeping you pure. And I think it’s going to be a very hard habit to break.

 

Need more honesty and people in your life? Check out one of our online small groups HERE and get your 1st month for just $1 with coupon code DOLLAR. Also, listen to more episodes of the podcast HERE

The post Is Masturbation Helping Me Stay Pure? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Nov 5, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

What Are the Psychological Effects of Masturbation?

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

In today’s Whiteboard Session, Steven Luff, a licensed MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) in the state of CA, co-author of Pure Eyes: a Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity and creator of the X3pure on-line recovery program, answers this question: what are the psychological effects of masturbation?

Most of the time, when we get this question, it’s asked by a person seeking to justify his or her behavior. Say it’s a 35-year-old married guy whose wife won’t have sex with him so he masturbates and thinks to himself, “It’s not hurting anybody… at least I’m not having an affair or something!”

 Steven had a lot of helpful things to say in this video, and my biggest takeaway was the connection he drew between masturbation and a lack of emotional understanding. Namely: guys and gals who begin masturbating at a young age – say, 11 or 12 years old – never quite learn to identify the emotions they’re feeling.

If you haven’t put a label on your emotions because you’ve been masking them with porn and masturbation since you were 12 years old, it means you don’t know how to deal with your feelings. That inability will stunt your maturity and hurt your relationships. You’ll miss out on discovering more about yourself and the people around you.

He’s gotta do the work for there to be real change, but you need to be an active partner in the process.

 

Our Favorite Quotes From This Video

  • We weren’t biologically designed to sit in front of a computer, opening up constant windows until we find the perfect arousal template that gets us off – maximally – to get a “high.” We weren’t designed for the world that we’re actually in.
  • Are you using masturbation as a way to manage your emotions? Are you using it on occasion? Do you masturbate because there is a physiological buildup and a need for release? Or are you masturbating because you don’t want to (or don’t know how to) deal with your emotions?
  • The litmus test for whether or not masturbating is a problem for you is whether or not you’re masturbating to get away from uncomfortable emotions, or whether it’s a physiological release.
  • Most men – men who’ve grown up in this era, with porn available to them since the age of 12 – they don’t know their emotional state. They don’t know the difference between “I’m happy!” porn, or “I’m sad!” porn, or “I’m anxious!” porn. It’s just porn, porn, porn, porn, porn. They don’t know that there are these emotions that are underneath it.
  • When people choose sobriety over masturbation, they find out a lot about themselves. For instance: they often thought that the act was merely a physiological need. What they discover is that it has become a need because they have so hard-wired the neurons in their brain to behave a certain way. Sobriety helps them rewire their brain.
  • If you go your whole life and never get to the bottom of why you are masturbating, you’re missing out on self-discovery and your own journey of knowing who you are as a person. It’s a hypnotic state, and when you’re in it – acting out sexually – you’re in fantasy-land. You are physiologically and psychologically checked out. Until you sit in these life experiences without substance addiction, you’re not going to know who you are. And often, people are very afraid of discovering who they are.
  • Hopefully, you’ve got a loving church or loving community around you to say: keep pushing into the darkness. We’re here, and you’re going to find yourself. You’re going to find your true self instead of this mask that you’ve been wearing.

The post What Are the Psychological Effects of Masturbation? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 29, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

My Husband Won’t Stop Looking at Porn

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

So this question came in from a wife: “My husband said he would never look at porn again. Why does he continue? I don’t understand why he won’t take ownership for his life, his issues, his shit, and clean up his mess.”

So they’re kind of two in the same. If you’re that dude, don’t tell your wife you’re never going to look at porn again. Let’s be honest. You’re going to look at porn again. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Guys, I don’t want to set you up for failure. Have that conversation with your wife and say, “You know what, I don’t want to do this and I know it hurts you and I know it’s not good for me. So I do not want to keep looking at porn. What I’m going to do is I’m going to do these things and put these things in place so I don’t go down that road. And if there’s anything else that you think I’ve missed or I need to add, I would love to to hear those.”

Dude, you got yourself into this hole. You climb yourself out of it.

We’ve got a bunch of different programs―whether it’s X3pure or My Pilgrimage―they are going to lead you down that path and it’s going to open up of the wound and it’s gonna kind of say, “Okay, this is how we can correct that.” You’ve got to make the next step.

And women, then there comes the point where you can be his mom or you can be his wife. Guys, you don’t want another mom. If your wife is nagging and harping on you and she doesn’t trust you, that’s not a good relationship. That relationship is now toxic.

He could find an accountability group tonight in his city. He could find a group at his church. He can go anywhere and get some answers.

He’s gotta do the work for there to be real change.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • If you’re that dude, don’t tell your wife you’re never going to look at porn again. You’re going to look at porn again, like just be honest. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
  • It’s not rocket science, guys. Where do you find porn? Why do you look at porn? Where do you go to? Start writing it down and then get to the root of some of this stuff.
  • Dude, you got yourself into this hole. You climb yourself out of it. Like you figure it out.
  •  I can’t just eliminate it and go burn it. No, that’s not going to work. That’s like a white knuckled change. I’ve got to get to the root of some of this stuff.
  •  If you’ve never done the work to figure out why you’re looking at porn in the first place, don’t make the commitment that you’ll never look at porn again. Do the work. It’s hard work. Start figuring it out.
  •  “Why does my husband say he’s never going to look at porn and then it looks at porn?” Because it’s hard! He doesn’t not love you, he just doesn’t want to do the work. It’s hard work. It’s painful. There’s trauma, possibly. There’s deceit, there’s lies. There’s stuff that he’s not proud of. There’s resentment, there’s all sorts of things. It’s overwhelming and he doesn’t know where to begin.
  •  Gyms love January because we all go back and sign up. Guess what? Gyms love every month after January more because you’re not in the gym but you’re still paying for it because you feel bad for quitting. The work is hard.
  • If your wife is nagging and harping on you and she doesn’t trust you, that’s not a good relationship.
  • If somebody doesn’t want to work on something in themselves, that’s hurting your relationship. Either you’re working on your relationship or you’re not.
  • If you get to a place where your husband repeatedly says, “I’m not willing to work on it,” he’s saying, “I don’t value the relationship. The commitment I made to you at the altar doesn’t mean anything and I’m not willing to put in the time and the work.”
  • I’m tired of the women doing all the work for the man. He’s got eyes and he’s got ears. He can watch a video, he could read a book, he could call a friend, he can do all those things and the fact that he’s doing none of them, that’s why you’re in this hole.
  • The Bible says sin clouds your vision from seeing Christ clearly. There’s this fog and you know when you’re foggy and your drive and you can’t see what’s in front of you, he can’t see what’s in front of him and he’s just buried in this stuff.
  • Stop telling your wife you’re never looking porn again. Don’t lie to her. And then stop saying you’re going to do something and not do it. Try and figure out.

The post My Husband Won’t Stop Looking at Porn appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 22, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

I’m Bored at Work and Look at Porn, Please Help

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

So this week the question is, “I love my wife, but due to the nature of my job, I’m on my computer. I’m bored at my job so I find myself ending up on sites and looking at things I shouldn’t. What should I do?”

Well, I don’t have to say, “It’s bad.” You know, you get it. You know it’s bad but you’re bored. It’s like, “I’m hungry. I know McDonald’s isn’t good for me, but it’s on every corner.”

I guess I’ll start with, well why not look for another job? If you know that job isn’t good for you―for your health, for your marriage, for your family, for your lifestyle―then it’s time for you to find a different job.

Second thing is if you’re looking at porn on a work computer, you’re probably not gonna have that job very long. So if you love the job, you’re putting your job in jeopardy.

If you love the job, then kick ass at it. If you’re looking at porn because you’re bored, then take on a few more things so you’re not bored because your current job is not inspiring you and it’s not pushing you.

And thirdly, you could easily put something on your computer to prevent you from doing that. Get someone at your work to be your accountability partner. Be vocal with somebody who goes, “Hey, I’m going to check on you.”

You’re too lax. You’re thinking, “Oh, well, it doesn’t really matter.” Make it matter.

There’s a lot you can do. It’s just what are you willing to do? It’s up to you.

 Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • I don’t have to say, “It’s bad.” You know, you get it. You know it’s bad but you’re bored. It’s like, “I’m hungry. I know McDonald’s isn’t good, but it’s on every corner.”
  • Some people will go, “That job’s awesome. You get to look at porn!” But you’re like, “Hey, I know the temptation is getting the worst of me and this job is not getting the best of me.” So think about quitting your job. Don’t rule it out.
  • The older I get, the more I’m into just learning about myself and learn about others.
  • If you’re looking at porn on a work computer, you’re probably not gonna have that job that long. So if you love the job, your putting your job in jeopardy.
  • If you’re looking at porn on the company dime, you’re jeopardizing the job. So if you hate the job, leave it. If you love the job, you gotta lose the porn because you’re not going to have a job.
  • I feel like a lot of people end up at porn when they’re bored and have nothing do.
  • I’m not going to sugarcoat this. You’re a grown ass man. Like, dude, you got a job and you’ve got a family and you got a wife. And if you continue to do this, you’re not going to have a job and that’s going to put stress on your marriage. It’s going to be stress on your family and then to find out it’s because of porn, that’s stupid.
  • If nothing changes, make some changes in your life.
  • There’s a lot you can do. It’s just what are you willing to do is the question. It’s up to you.

 

 

The post I’m Bored at Work and Look at Porn, Please Help appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 15, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

I Keep Trying Harder but Keep Failing

 

About This Episode

I’ve been helping men and women overcome porn addiction for 18 years so I’ve seen a lot of people try to quit pornography. The problem is so many people think they just have to try harder. They white knuckle it and then feel incredibly frustrated and defeated when they keep trying harder but keep failing.

There’s white-knuckled change versus real change. I think one is “just try harder” and one is like, “Hey, what’s the root of this? Where’s this coming from?” That’s what we really went after in My Pilgrimage.

You’re medicating something with porn. Instead of treating the issue with medication, we want to get to the root. We want to ask the hard questions to find out why you turn to porn when you’re stressed or when you’ve just had a fight with your wife or when things are great or when you just got a raise.

You don’t have a porn problem at all. It’s just the drug of choice. What you need to do is get to the root of the problem. Find someone who you can talk to honestly, not about porn but about the reason you look at porn.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • People are just try harder hoping the next thing will work and I just think that’s exhausting.
  • There’s white-knuckled change versus real change. I think one is “just try harder” and one is like, “hey, where’s the root of this?”
  • You need to ask yourself, what are the triggers? Where’s the pain?
  • You’re medicating something with porn and we keep going after the medicine instead of going after the root.
  • Who in your life can you talk to? Not about porn. I think porn is scary and what’s scarier though for men is like what’s underneath.
  • I see people keep fighting it and keep struggling and it’s like, just shift your thinking to this isn’t a porn problem at all.
  • Porn is easy. It’s the drug of choice. It’s easy. It’s cheap, it’s available and it’s everywhere.
  • What you got to look at is what are you running from. And if you can answer that question, I think you can get a great handle on things and just be.
  • When you look at porn, what are you running from? Just ask yourself that question and see what happens.
  • If you don’t have somebody honestly there that you could talk to, I recommend it. I think the more we can get around people that are discovering the same things, I think the better we’ll be together.

 

The post I Keep Trying Harder but Keep Failing appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More