Are you struggling with a recent loss due to COVID-19? I imagine you have lost something in one way or another, and I know it can be a tough pill to swallow.
A loss often leads to grief. When something completely overturns our expectations and changes everyday living, it can cause us to live in fear and scarcity. I know for myself, I rely on an income to get me by because I have bills to pay. I don’t think you are any different. If you lost your job and are experiencing repercussions of that, I want to encourage you to keep your mind and heart above the darkness. In times likes these, we get to choose to become a victim or a victor, and we get to decide whether we will fall into addictions or if we will step into opportunities.
Why is it so hard to be a victor?
In times like these, it can be so hard to think like a victor and step into opportunities, I know firsthand. The challenge often comes from a mindset of “Why me?”,’ “that’s not fair,” and so on… Sure, we all believe we deserve a fair outcome, but really, life is not a respecter of people, and with this, we can get dealt a hand that we may not like. This can lead someone into feeling emotions such as grief, depression, rage, fear, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, and resentment. When emotions such as these are felt, its because our thoughts are revolved around being the victim. When life is hard, and we react negatively as a victim, it becomes nearly impossible to think positively, to act kindly, and to be the person you know you want to be. This becomes a recipe in one’s life, and it’s the unfailing recipe that leads to addictions.
Touching on pornography for a second, we see that most addicts to porn are stuck in a cycle of playing victim, they resent a particular circumstance, begin hating others and hating themselves, and are stuck feeling like they deserve something. Hence, they watch porn and masturbate to “get” what they thought they “needed.”
What is a victor?
A victor is someone who chooses to “see the glass half full,” or one who decides to see the opportunity rather than the present circumstance. This is nothing more than a mindset, and it’s when we choose to think differently about our conditions will we be able to adopt this “victor” life stance.
What if I am addicted to porn right now? Well, a victor is someone who chooses to see that this addiction is doing more damage than they had initially anticipated. When porn becomes a daily/weekly thing, it will, of course, harm you, but it will also begin to hurt those around you. A victor decides to get out of denial, see the issue for what it truly is, and make the decision to say NO MORE. Fighting the battle is the beginning to winning the fight, and in my eyes, the victor is not just the one who has the victory, in the end, it’s also the one who makes the right choice, to start the journey to success today!
5 tips you can do right now to become a victor:
Choose to be a victor, not a victim
As you have already read, some changes are needed to go from victim to victor. It is a mentality switch, and it begins with you making the decision. Yes, you may think, “I have made this decision before, but it didn’t work for me” Well, most people make decisions, but have no plan in place to follow through with. What I am recommending you to do is:
– Make the decision
– Create a game-plan
– Refocus your thoughts
– Work the game-plan
Focus on what you can do
It’s incredible how so many people go through life without purpose, without joy, and without an idea of why they do what they do. Well, if you have some extra time right now, like most of do, why don’t you begin to ask some of the BIG questions in life?
“What do I enjoy doing so much that I could help other people by doing it?”
“What am I gifted in that I could turn into a vocation?”
“What can I do today that if I do it, it will help me take the next step tomorrow?”
Questions like these are SO helpful! In this season right now, questions like these may be the key to you finding out how you can make some money and support yourself. I know that would be a game-changer for most of you! This is also a fantastic time to start learning something new, which could be a part of you becoming an expert in the field of your passion. Take the time to get excited about learning! To learn something of purpose is one of the most fulfilling things on this earth.
A quick story to share what happened with me: When I started Secret Habit, I knew I wanted to help people, I knew I had a story of freedom from porn, and I knew that not many people were helping in the area of porn addiction. It would NEVER have been my first choice of “what I wanted to do,” but what I realized quickly is that when I worked on Secret Habit, I was more fulfilled than any other time… I challenge you, in this season of uncertainty, to step into something that you were made to do!
Be a light in the darkness
You have something to share; everyone does. I never thought that I did while growing up, but, if you are reading this blog, you believe I do. What if you wrote a blog, did a live stream, wrote a song, played an instrument, started a Facebook group? There are so many ways you can be a light in this time where people are stuck at home, afraid, and unsure of what to do. It’s an excellent time to ask the questions that need to be asked and unleash the passion and gifts inside of you.
When you begin to work on purpose, it’s incredible how you will almost automatically become a victor! When someone has a purpose in life, they will become free from the shackles in their life, and this is how people quit things such as pornography. If something such as a purpose begins to serve you and fill that hole in your heart, the things that you previously used to numb the hole become unnecessary, and you outgrow the need for them.
Be aware of triggers
When we are in a place of emotional strain, we will begin to be triggered by circumstances going on in our lives. Losing your job is only a circumstance, but what it does to you may be destructive. Be aware of what is going on inside your mind before it traps you in the cycle of negativity, leading to falling into the victim role. It would be wise to take some time to write the triggers that send you into an emotional tailspin. Sure, some of them may be tough circumstances that seem justifiable, and some past trauma may be getting brought back up, but some may only be revealing that you have an unhealthy outlook on life. It’s so important to do this so you can live proactively, rather than living in reaction.
To identify a trigger, you may need to look back at the last couple of days and think to yourself, “What caused me to feel rage?”; “What was I feeling the last time I relapsed?”; “Who in my life makes me feel stressed?”, etc. There are so many revealing questions you can ask, so begin asking. You will be surprised at how much gets revealed in such a short period.
You are likely feeling isolated, regardless if you have COVID-19 or not, being forced into isolation is a challenge. This season can lead to a lack of connection, but sadly, if we’re not proactive, it may lead to a new habit of being disconnected.… Humans are created for relationships, and without them, our hearts grow weary. Ask yourself, “What are some things I can do today to start getting connected?”
Heres a few examples that come to mind:
– Plan a video call with a friend
– Join or start a Reddit, Facebook, or online forum group
– Get some friends to play an online video game
– Find a language app and trade your English expertise for someone else’s first language expertise
– Learn some new games, or read a book as a group with those who you live with
As you may see, our take on helping someone overcome pornography addiction is much more about the internal than the external. We are all about assisting people in changing their lifestyles and seeking what is right, rather than continuously avoiding what is wrong. If you knew how amazing life was without porn, then you would do whatever it took to get free from it.
RESOURCES for you in this time:
- “Finish” Give yourself the gift of done – Because perfectionism often kills all good things.
- XXXchurch Workshops – Online video workshops to help marriages &individuals break free from chaos or addictions
- The Gifts of Imperfection – This book was a massive part of my healing journey and can help one get on the right track to being their best perfectly imperfect self.
- Your brain on porn – A great resource to help you understand what happens to a pornified brain.
“If you knew how amazing life was without porn, then you would do whatever it takes to get free from it!”
– Shawn Bonneteau