Have you ever hoped marriage would be the solution to your sexual problems?
Today, you will learn the surprising truth of what it’s like to get married if you’ve ever struggled with pornography…hint: it’s not what you think.
Marriage does not necessarily make it easier to get free from porn. After I got married, I continued to struggle with pornographic fantasies—even on my wedding night. Those of you who are married know what I’m talking about.
For those of you who are not married, I want to warn you and prepare you so that if and when you get married, you’ll be ready. And in the meantime, you can appreciate the gift of your singleness even more.
Here are three reasons why marriage does not make it easier to quit porn:
#1. Your wife is not a sexual object.
Sometimes people think, “When I get married, all my sexual desires and urges will finally have a God-approved place to go, in bed with my wife.” The problem is you’re still objectifying her. You’re bringing a pornographic style of relating to your marriage.
In other words, you’re still making sex all about you. It’s completely self-centered. You’re not focused on your partner. You’re thinking about yourself: “What do I want? When do I want it? How do I want it?” In porn, you get to be in control of all those things.
In a real relationship, if you want to have a fantastic sex life, you have to think about the other person: “How can I love her? How can I serve her? What does she need right now?” You need to exhibit Christ-like character in your sexuality: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
When you are filled with the Spirit, focusing on the other person, and you’re both loving each other (not scheming about how you can get what you want and release your sexual urges), it unlocks a new level of intimacy, because that’s how God designed it.
God did not design your wife to be a sex doll for you.
So please know that when you get married, it’s not like you can have whatever you want all the time sexually. Also, you’ll go through seasons like having kids when there will be months without sexual intimacy. You won’t have an outlet for orgasm, and the foundation of your freedom from porn will be tested.
Whether you’re married or not, you still need to learn that so that when those dry seasons come, you’re prepared because you know how to meet those sexual longings and urges in a healthy and holy way.
Your wife is not a sexual object. I don’t know where we got this idea that “If she’s my wife, then it’s not lust.” It’s still lusting if it’s self-centered if it’s objectifying if it’s dishonoring. God designed sex to be an act of mutual participation, connection, and intimacy, not a replacement for porn.
#2. You will be hurt by each other.
Ultimately porn is a way that we cope with pain and stress. And if you think marriage will take away that pain and stress, think again. You will be hurt by each other, and when that happens, you will want to return to porn for the numbing and escape that it was providing for you.
Just like pain is a part of singleness, pain is a part of marriage. Going through conflict is part of marriage. Trust me; there will be times when you feel the same old urge to cope with life through pornography and masturbation…even when you’re married.
There’s one more reason why marriage does not make it easier to quit porn. In fact, it makes it three times harder:
#3. Marriage requires triple recovery.
If you’re secretly using porn and your wife discovers it, three healings need to take place, not just one.
The first one is your healing as an individual. You need to get free from pornography.
The second one is your wife’s healing as an individual. Because of your secret sexual activity, she’s going through something called betrayal trauma. So she needs help.
The third one is your relationship. The relationship itself needs to heal. Trust has been broken. It takes years of work with trained professionals to rebuild trust in a marriage.
So why does this matter?
First of all, if you’re not married, now is the best time to get free from porn. Right now, you only have to focus on your healing—not three cures at once.
If you wait until after the wedding, you will cause incredible amounts of damage to yourself, your spouse, and your future family. Trust me: this becomes very expensive very quickly, and the marriage doesn’t always survive.
Why not quit porn now and save your marriage before it starts? That’s what my ministry, Husband Material is all about. We offer content, community, and coaching to help men outgrow porn.
If you are married, there are some fantastic resources out there for you too.
Check out Best Sex Life now and Recover in X3workshops.
Ultimately no matter what stage of life you’re in, now is always the best time to quit porn —for your faith, your family, and your future!
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