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Posted by on May 20, 2019 in Blog | 0 comments

Can I Give My Husband Sexy Photos of Myself?

This month we’ve been exploring some of the common “permission based” questions we get from people on a weekly basis. Questions that quite honestly, don’t help anyone.

If you are a woman, maybe you’re wondering if taking those sexy photos for your husband is okay during his recovery from porn or if it will trigger him to use again.

I get it.
It sounds innocent enough.

I mean, it is photos of yourself for your spouse.

Technically speaking, you are staying in the lines of what should be accepted into a marital sex life. But, there are some reasons it may be a no go.

Here are a few of thoughts to ponder through before doing something like this:

1. What are YOUR motives in having these photos done?

I know that may seem like the answer is simple, but it’s not. When I was in the midst of my husband’s addiction to pornography, I thought that maybe having sexy photos done of myself would curb his appetite for other forms of pornography.

It did none of that.

In fact, he continued to look at porn AND my pictures to find his pleasurable result.

I just contributed to him looking at pictures and masturbating to them. When it comes down to it, he said that it felt like I was giving him PERMISSION to continue in the addiction.

Another motive that I had, but just didn’t realize, was so I could feel “as good as” the women in the porn he liked. Pretty twisted, right?

Think about it: when our husband’s look at pornography, it makes us feel less than. We feel like we don’t measure up somehow. This is not the truth in any way, shape or form.

Our husband’s pornography addiction truly has NOTHING to do with us.

Yet, we still feel unworthy at first. So, in my entangled web of thoughts, I figured that I could prove to him and myself that I do measure up through giving him what I thought he needed.

That idea backfired and only left me feeling used.

You may have not even thought about what the photos could do to you and YOUR recovery.

Taking the photos, and then seeing the pleasure that your husband would undoubtedly get from them, could cause some triggers of your own. I know that it set off all the internal triggers of not feeling good enough, having no worth, being a sex object, being a less than wife and reliving all of my husband’s actions.

If those motives sound familiar, you probably should not be taking sexy photos. Don’t go backward in your recovery. Go forward.

2. Pornography addiction is just that: ADDICTION. With any addiction, there is a cycle.

According to Rob Weiss, LCSW on January 20, 2015, in Sex Addiction Expert Blogs, pornography, and sex addiction cycles look like this: Triggers – Fantasy – Ritualization – Behavior- Numbing – Despair-Triggers.

This means that there are triggers which begin a behavior that leads to the end pleasurable result that leads to despair which starts the cycle all over again.

If your hubby is struggling or has struggled with pornography this cycle is true for him. Addictive behavior has triggers. Some of those triggers could simply be “sexy” photos.

While the photos would be of you, the photos could still cause the addictive behavior cycle because they could very well be a trigger. If you are anything like me, the last thing you want to do is possibly trigger your husband to use again.

Be an advocate for HIS recovery, not a stumbling block.

3. Lastly, when having Boudoir photos done, it possesses the questions of who is taking them, how are they being stored and where (if you are) are you getting prints?

If anyone other than your husband is taking the photos, you are allowing someone to see you in a way that is reserved for only your husband. In this day and age of technology, if you are storing the photos on any device, that leaves the door open to your photos accidentally making it onto the internet.

If you are having the photos printed, who is printing them?

If you are printing them anywhere outside of your home, you are again allowing other people to see you in a way that only your husband should.

If you are printing them at home and storing the physical photos at home, what actions are you taking to ensure your children (or anyone that is not your husband) will not get a hold of them?

All of the actual steps to have the photos need to be thought through thoroughly.

Bottom line here: While there may be some gray areas, if you are looking to spice things up in the bedroom, try to always do it in the flesh together.

Buy some nice lingerie and wear it in person for your husband. Start having conversations about your sex life with each other. Open up the door to honesty and deep conversation.

Instead of spicing it up through actively condoning masturbation, start creating some real intimacy.

Real intimacy will make your marriage better!

Build up a deeper, genuine relationship. Taking pictures can never compare to the REAL thing.

The post Can I Give My Husband Sexy Photos of Myself? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

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Posted by on May 13, 2019 in Blog | 0 comments

Can Porn Be Good for Couples to Watch Together?

We’ve all heard the arguments.

Porn is bad in heavy doses but it can be helpful in small doses when couple use it “responsibly.” Even Dr. Drew has maintained this type of stance at times.

Of course not everyone shares this opinion, so then we get into questions and debates that go something like this:

Does porn make you compare yourself and/or your partner to the actors on screen? How does that affect your self-esteem? Theirs?

Surely if a couple is watching together, at least there is openness and no secret porn viewing, right? Isn’t that good?

Couldn’t it give ideas for sex that might spark a great sex life?

What does watching together actually entail? Just watching? Mutual masturbation? Having sex at the same time?

Can some couples watch porn and it be okay? Only if both are in agreement? If they can, who are we to disagree? Is there a difference between that and welcoming someone else in physically?

What about a couple whose experience has been that porn has been helpful? How can we argue against that? Does experience trump what the Bible says about sexuality or vice versa

Or is it okay for a couple to watch porn together as long as they aren’t Christian?

But maybe these are the wrong set of questions completely.

One of the issues the Church has had with sex (and there are many) is that we are so worried about what is right and what is wrong that we have sucked all the fun right out of it by telling people what is acceptable and what is not.

We’ve taken all the spontaneity out of sex by making up all kinds of rules.

Christians don’t know how to have sex, and we need a new discussion on sex that takes it outside of the bedroom.

Is sex just about two people coming together physically (pun most definitely intended) or is it an outpouring of their love?

Does it start with sex itself or is sex the result of a deeper expression?

We typically take a strange approach to sex in the church where we are cautious of anything that involves our bodies or that feels good, while simultaneously neglecting the spiritual side of sex. Which is why, when the questions around sex focus mainly on the physical at the expense of the spiritual or emotional, we lose out on a deeper intimacy. Something that could be the key to unbelievable sex.

Rob Bell describes the idea of amazing sex in his book ‘Sex God’ like this,

“It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.”

This is truly great foreplay.

When it starts outside the bedroom and takes place in all the little interactions you have with someone. How you respect their dreams, how you consider their needs before your own, when you are vulnerable about your deepest, darkest fears or desires, when you tell them how you are truly feeling, and in those small looks to each other where words aren’t required.

This puts porn to shame.

If you want to have sex with your spouse every night but aren’t willing to take the time to be vulnerable with them throughout the day, then it’s not surprising that sex can become stale, something to fear and something to get anxious about.

So is sex a physical act or a spiritual one?

Yes.

We shouldn’t wait until we have no clothes on to shake things up in the bedroom.

It should be happening in the normal, seemingly mundane moments of our lives with someone we have committed to traveling this life with.

Which brings us perfectly back to the question of whether couples can watch porn together.

We would not recommend it.

There are many people who are reading this where porn has crept in and is sucking the life out of them and their marriage. Porn is something that we return to time and time again to medicate some buried pain that we don’t want to deal with.

If you’re using sex to heal a physical wound in your marriage then you’ve misunderstood what sex is about.

If you’re using sex to heal an emotional wound then you aren’t getting to enjoy sex as much as you should.

So because of our discomfort with anything remotely sexy, Christians have often been accused of hating sex or for being prudes, but understanding that sex is more than merely physical can change everything.

If we begin with the physical, then it is more likely to grow stale or boring. But if we realize that in our marriage we are free to be real in front of each other and there is no pretense, we allow ourselves the grace to be patient and honest with each other.

Which breeds intimacy.
Which, guess what? Should breed a sex life that is natural and focused on no one else but each other.

This isn’t stripping sex of its fun, it’s making it even more fun than we could ever hope.

So much fun, in fact, that you simply stop searching for ways to fix it or make it better because it’s too good to be true.

But instead, it’s very, very real. And very, very good.

The post Can Porn Be Good for Couples to Watch Together? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

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Posted by on May 10, 2019 in dating, Uncategorized |

I am beginning to think that we are a bit too hard on adult entertainment.

In many ways, adult entertainment has always been around and I think that we are really kicking it a little bit too much here in the UK. On the continent they are much more relaxed about and many of my dates at London escorts do tell me that they watch porn movies on regular TV abroad. I think that we should chill out a bit and perhaps let adult entertainment “run free” so to speak. Many of my friends at London escorts agree with me on this one.

When I first started to date at London escorts, I did not appreciate that adult entertainment was such a big part of some people’s lives. During my time at London escorts, I have met gents who are into all sorts of dating and different types of entertainment. Some of the gents that I date at London escorts seem to have been emerged into a life of adult entertainment. It is not tragic at all and the adult entertainment industry make a lot of money out of these gents.

I don’t have a problem dating these gents. They may be really into Hentai porn and like to meet up with London escorts to talk about it. For them it is an outlet and a way of chilling out. Many of the gents that I have met at London escorts like to chill out with a good porn movie instead of a good glass of wine. That does not bother me at all and just confirms that we all have different tastes in life. After all, a man watching a good porn is not doing any harm.

Should all forms of adult entertainment be allowed? I am not sure about that, but I think that as long as you are practising your brand of adult entertainment safely, it is perfectly okay. Some of my gents at London escorts really do have unusual tastes but that does not bother me. If it is not my cup of tea, I just go ahead and tell them. I may even recommend that they date another one of my colleagues at London escorts instead. Believe it or not, some London escorts do have unusual tastes as well.

The adult entertainment industry must bring in a lot of money. One of the biggest problems is that it does not have its own tax code. That means that it is very hard for the tax office to quantify the earnings of the industry and figure out how much it is worth to the country. I cannot see why we are so stuck in the mud about it. If the Dutch can do it, why cannot we not do it. The Brits are some of the sexiest people in the world, perhaps it is about time that we put a figure on it. I would love to hear the Chancellor of the Exchequer stand up in the Houses of Parliament and deliver that budget in his annual statement!

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Posted by on May 6, 2019 in Blog | 0 comments

Isn’t Game of Thrones Really Just Porn?

This is not exactly news, but in case you live in a cave, Game of Thrones (GOT) may be the biggest thing to hit TV since The Sopranos and Breaking Bad.

And, consequently, as the series heads into its last season, there are a ton of questions surrounding it. Stuff like…

Who will live and who will die?
Does Jon Snow really prefer Starbucks over Dunkin Donuts?
Who will sit on the Iron Throne and does it even matter?

And then you have these questions too…

How many sex scenes will there be?
Isn’t Game of Thrones really just porn?

Of course, the last question mostly comes from the Christian or religious audiences.

First, let me tell you I can’t answer most of these but I can kinda answer the last one.

Isn’t Game of Thrones really just porn?

In a word, no.
Not technically.

It certainly doesn’t fall into the “genre” of porn. I’m pretty sure the porn industry would agree with that one.

Admittedly, it is well cited that the series has leveraged the prolific use of sex over its past 7 seasons, even hiring six different “porn stars”  to handle some of the more graphic sex scenes.

But while this might be distasteful to some, the reality is that “sex sells” and the creators of Game of Thrones are simply just taking full advantage of that marketing truism. That doesn’t make GOT officially “PORN.”

So then if GOT isn’t porn, what exactly is porn?

After all, we have hardcore porn, softcore porn, racial porn, gay porn, straight porn, even food porn.

There are practically more categories for porn than there are characters in GOT.

So what is it?

I can’t tell you how many times we at XXXchurch hear this question.

Is [X] porn?
What about [Y]? Is that porn?
If it’s not porn, then is it okay to watch?

And on and on.

We love to put labels on things and classify everything by a type or genre. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple with porn.

Porn isn’t so easily defined.

There is no checklist.

And to be honest, usually, the REAL question behind these questions is this… “Can I get permission to watch this or not?”

So, here is what I would offer as a practical definition for porn.

Porn is anything you use (watch, read, hear, or imagine) that’s used to elicit sexual arousal outside of your spouse.

In other words, if something gets you excited, then that thing is porn for you.

So, movies can be porn even if they aren’t rated XXX.

TV shows can be porn even if they are on regular cable channels or network TV.

Magazines can be porn even if you don’t have to unwrap them or stand on your tippy-toes to get them off the top rack.

Books can be porn, even if they are called “romance novels.” (Does that ring a bell, ladies?)

Talk radio can be porn even if it’s not on the Playboy channel.

Social media can serve as porn for many.

Your imagination can even be porn.

Now, I don’t say this because I’m trying to label everything as porn or because I want you to go out and sanitize your life of all “worldly influences.” I don’t want you to cancel your HBO, delete your Facebook account (although that might not hurt for some people), and throw out your satellite radios. That’s not my point.

I bring this up because there is a better question than “What is porn?” That question is: “What is porn for me?”

This is the question we need to be asking ourselves.

If you struggle with porn, sex, masturbation, or whatever – take your pick – and you need to ask yourself whether something is porn or not, then there’s a good chance it’s porn for you.

I struggled with porn for many years, and in those days there was a lot that served as “porn” for me that wouldn’t be porn for other people. There were many things that could trigger my desire to go, well, you know.

Stop trying to classify everything.

I hate how we need to denounce something as “porn” in order to place rules on someone else.

Maybe instead of asking these black and white questions, we need to be asking better questions.

Questions that breed responsibility and honesty.
Questions that provoke self-examination.
Questions that get to the real heart of the matter.

Stop labeling everything in an attempt to have super-defined boundaries.

Life isn’t like that. More often than not, we live in the gray, not the black and white, and our struggles are not all the same.

So next time you stumble upon something that stirs those lower regions ask yourself, “Is this porn for me?”

Examine your heart, your mind, and your motives, and if the answer is “yes” then shut it off. Even if it’s Game of Thrones.

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