Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Oct 29, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

My Husband Won’t Stop Looking at Porn

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

So this question came in from a wife: “My husband said he would never look at porn again. Why does he continue? I don’t understand why he won’t take ownership for his life, his issues, his shit, and clean up his mess.”

So they’re kind of two in the same. If you’re that dude, don’t tell your wife you’re never going to look at porn again. Let’s be honest. You’re going to look at porn again. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Guys, I don’t want to set you up for failure. Have that conversation with your wife and say, “You know what, I don’t want to do this and I know it hurts you and I know it’s not good for me. So I do not want to keep looking at porn. What I’m going to do is I’m going to do these things and put these things in place so I don’t go down that road. And if there’s anything else that you think I’ve missed or I need to add, I would love to to hear those.”

Dude, you got yourself into this hole. You climb yourself out of it.

We’ve got a bunch of different programs―whether it’s X3pure or My Pilgrimage―they are going to lead you down that path and it’s going to open up of the wound and it’s gonna kind of say, “Okay, this is how we can correct that.” You’ve got to make the next step.

And women, then there comes the point where you can be his mom or you can be his wife. Guys, you don’t want another mom. If your wife is nagging and harping on you and she doesn’t trust you, that’s not a good relationship. That relationship is now toxic.

He could find an accountability group tonight in his city. He could find a group at his church. He can go anywhere and get some answers.

He’s gotta do the work for there to be real change.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • If you’re that dude, don’t tell your wife you’re never going to look at porn again. You’re going to look at porn again, like just be honest. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
  • It’s not rocket science, guys. Where do you find porn? Why do you look at porn? Where do you go to? Start writing it down and then get to the root of some of this stuff.
  • Dude, you got yourself into this hole. You climb yourself out of it. Like you figure it out.
  •  I can’t just eliminate it and go burn it. No, that’s not going to work. That’s like a white knuckled change. I’ve got to get to the root of some of this stuff.
  •  If you’ve never done the work to figure out why you’re looking at porn in the first place, don’t make the commitment that you’ll never look at porn again. Do the work. It’s hard work. Start figuring it out.
  •  “Why does my husband say he’s never going to look at porn and then it looks at porn?” Because it’s hard! He doesn’t not love you, he just doesn’t want to do the work. It’s hard work. It’s painful. There’s trauma, possibly. There’s deceit, there’s lies. There’s stuff that he’s not proud of. There’s resentment, there’s all sorts of things. It’s overwhelming and he doesn’t know where to begin.
  •  Gyms love January because we all go back and sign up. Guess what? Gyms love every month after January more because you’re not in the gym but you’re still paying for it because you feel bad for quitting. The work is hard.
  • If your wife is nagging and harping on you and she doesn’t trust you, that’s not a good relationship.
  • If somebody doesn’t want to work on something in themselves, that’s hurting your relationship. Either you’re working on your relationship or you’re not.
  • If you get to a place where your husband repeatedly says, “I’m not willing to work on it,” he’s saying, “I don’t value the relationship. The commitment I made to you at the altar doesn’t mean anything and I’m not willing to put in the time and the work.”
  • I’m tired of the women doing all the work for the man. He’s got eyes and he’s got ears. He can watch a video, he could read a book, he could call a friend, he can do all those things and the fact that he’s doing none of them, that’s why you’re in this hole.
  • The Bible says sin clouds your vision from seeing Christ clearly. There’s this fog and you know when you’re foggy and your drive and you can’t see what’s in front of you, he can’t see what’s in front of him and he’s just buried in this stuff.
  • Stop telling your wife you’re never looking porn again. Don’t lie to her. And then stop saying you’re going to do something and not do it. Try and figure out.

The post My Husband Won’t Stop Looking at Porn appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 22, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

I’m Bored at Work and Look at Porn, Please Help

 

About This Episode

Download Podcast Episode

 

So this week the question is, “I love my wife, but due to the nature of my job, I’m on my computer. I’m bored at my job so I find myself ending up on sites and looking at things I shouldn’t. What should I do?”

Well, I don’t have to say, “It’s bad.” You know, you get it. You know it’s bad but you’re bored. It’s like, “I’m hungry. I know McDonald’s isn’t good for me, but it’s on every corner.”

I guess I’ll start with, well why not look for another job? If you know that job isn’t good for you―for your health, for your marriage, for your family, for your lifestyle―then it’s time for you to find a different job.

Second thing is if you’re looking at porn on a work computer, you’re probably not gonna have that job very long. So if you love the job, you’re putting your job in jeopardy.

If you love the job, then kick ass at it. If you’re looking at porn because you’re bored, then take on a few more things so you’re not bored because your current job is not inspiring you and it’s not pushing you.

And thirdly, you could easily put something on your computer to prevent you from doing that. Get someone at your work to be your accountability partner. Be vocal with somebody who goes, “Hey, I’m going to check on you.”

You’re too lax. You’re thinking, “Oh, well, it doesn’t really matter.” Make it matter.

There’s a lot you can do. It’s just what are you willing to do? It’s up to you.

 Our Favorite Quotes From This Podcast Episode

  • I don’t have to say, “It’s bad.” You know, you get it. You know it’s bad but you’re bored. It’s like, “I’m hungry. I know McDonald’s isn’t good, but it’s on every corner.”
  • Some people will go, “That job’s awesome. You get to look at porn!” But you’re like, “Hey, I know the temptation is getting the worst of me and this job is not getting the best of me.” So think about quitting your job. Don’t rule it out.
  • The older I get, the more I’m into just learning about myself and learn about others.
  • If you’re looking at porn on a work computer, you’re probably not gonna have that job that long. So if you love the job, your putting your job in jeopardy.
  • If you’re looking at porn on the company dime, you’re jeopardizing the job. So if you hate the job, leave it. If you love the job, you gotta lose the porn because you’re not going to have a job.
  • I feel like a lot of people end up at porn when they’re bored and have nothing do.
  • I’m not going to sugarcoat this. You’re a grown ass man. Like, dude, you got a job and you’ve got a family and you got a wife. And if you continue to do this, you’re not going to have a job and that’s going to put stress on your marriage. It’s going to be stress on your family and then to find out it’s because of porn, that’s stupid.
  • If nothing changes, make some changes in your life.
  • There’s a lot you can do. It’s just what are you willing to do is the question. It’s up to you.

 

 

The post I’m Bored at Work and Look at Porn, Please Help appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 15, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

I Keep Trying Harder but Keep Failing

 

About This Episode

I’ve been helping men and women overcome porn addiction for 18 years so I’ve seen a lot of people try to quit pornography. The problem is so many people think they just have to try harder. They white knuckle it and then feel incredibly frustrated and defeated when they keep trying harder but keep failing.

There’s white-knuckled change versus real change. I think one is “just try harder” and one is like, “Hey, what’s the root of this? Where’s this coming from?” That’s what we really went after in My Pilgrimage.

You’re medicating something with porn. Instead of treating the issue with medication, we want to get to the root. We want to ask the hard questions to find out why you turn to porn when you’re stressed or when you’ve just had a fight with your wife or when things are great or when you just got a raise.

You don’t have a porn problem at all. It’s just the drug of choice. What you need to do is get to the root of the problem. Find someone who you can talk to honestly, not about porn but about the reason you look at porn.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • People are just try harder hoping the next thing will work and I just think that’s exhausting.
  • There’s white-knuckled change versus real change. I think one is “just try harder” and one is like, “hey, where’s the root of this?”
  • You need to ask yourself, what are the triggers? Where’s the pain?
  • You’re medicating something with porn and we keep going after the medicine instead of going after the root.
  • Who in your life can you talk to? Not about porn. I think porn is scary and what’s scarier though for men is like what’s underneath.
  • I see people keep fighting it and keep struggling and it’s like, just shift your thinking to this isn’t a porn problem at all.
  • Porn is easy. It’s the drug of choice. It’s easy. It’s cheap, it’s available and it’s everywhere.
  • What you got to look at is what are you running from. And if you can answer that question, I think you can get a great handle on things and just be.
  • When you look at porn, what are you running from? Just ask yourself that question and see what happens.
  • If you don’t have somebody honestly there that you could talk to, I recommend it. I think the more we can get around people that are discovering the same things, I think the better we’ll be together.

 

The post I Keep Trying Harder but Keep Failing appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 8, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

What Is Wrong with Pornography Anyways?

 

About This Episode

When I go to speak at events, I get this question during the Q&A just about every time. Basically the question is always some form of, “why are you picking on porn? What’s the big deal?” And I’ll usually laugh and say, “I wouldn’t have the job I have of helping people if porn really wasn’t a big deal.”

If pornography was just fun and games, just harmless entertainment, and it benefited people, then I would have moved on like 17 years ago. It is not just harmless entertainment. You watch pornography and you get ideas for sex.

My son’s not going to come home from a Spider-Man movie and think he’s going to climb walls. You know why? Because he knows that’s fake. When you watch porn you think it’s real because those are things you could do.

But what I’m saying is the sex that they’re portraying is not setting you up for success with sex down the road now. And that doesn’t have anything to do with the Bible, that’s just common knowledge. When men and women, and especially younger kids who are just figuring out what sex is, see those sex scenes they think, “Oh, that’s what sex is and I need to do it that way.”

Porn shows so many other options that now you’re not satisfied with your missionary position. It doesn’t live up to what you’ve just watched in that video.

The problem with porn is you’re watching something and you assume because they’re doing an act that we’re going to do now or we’re going to do one day that this is what people like.

Religious or not religious, I think when you start watching porn, you’re gonna be disappointed with real sex and you would rather have porn than sex. Porn is selling you a cheap substitute for real sex and real intimacy. And that’s a disservice to you and your spouse.

Be careful, especially if you’re a kid or you’re not married yet and you start viewing porn. The lie is that one day you will stop when you get married. You’re going to keep going back to something because it’s easy, it’s a habit and you’re used to it. And then the other thing is going to disappoint you.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • I wouldn’t have the job I have of helping people if porn really wasn’t a big deal.
  • If pornography was just fun and games and it was just harmless entertainment and it benefited people, then I would have moved on like 17 years ago.
  • Porn is not just entertainment.
  • Porn is not setting you up for success with sex down the road.
  • You want sex. Porn is going to give it to you with butter, with peanut butter and with syrup, like all those things. And you’re going back to your bedroom with your one light on in your missionary position sex and it doesn’t live up to what you just watched in that video.
  • My kids don’t think they’re superheroes. They know what they’re watching isn’t real. The problem with porn is you assume you’re going to do it and that that’s what people like.
  • I think when you start watching porn, you’re gonna be disappointed with real sex and you would rather have porn than sex and that’s a disservice.
  • Porn is like saying you’d rather go to McDonald’s than Ruth’s Chris. Yeah, McDonald’s is faster and it’s cheaper, but it’s nowhere near the same quality that you’re going to get at a steakhouse. Porn is like fast food. It’s cheap, it’s fast, it’s niche, it’s what you want. It’s a cheap substitute.
  • The other lie is that one day you will stop when you get married. That you’ll stop going to McDonald’s just because you can eat at Ruth’s Chris. But you’re going to keep going back to something because it’s a habit and it’s easy.
  • If you believe the Bible, the Bible says to not even look at a woman with lust in your eyes. I don’t see how you’re able to do that with you’re looking at porn. You’re taking your eyes off of your wife and onto somebody else. I don’t see how that’s a good thing.
  • Porn is going to disappoint you. If I had grown up in this porn generation where I’ve finally have sex with somebody and if I’m disappointed because it doesn’t match what I thought based on these videos, that’s just got to suck. And I know that’s happening for so many people. Man, remove it out of your life, get rid of it.

 

The post What Is Wrong with Pornography Anyways? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More

Posted by on Oct 1, 2018 in Blog | 0 comments

What Is Behind My Compulsive Behavior?

 

About This Episode

In today’s Whiteboard Session, Steven Luff, a licensed MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) in the state of CA, co-author of Pure Eyes: a Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity and creator of the X3Pure on-line recovery program, answers a question we get a lot: what’s behind my compulsive behavior and how do I stop it?

Steve uses the whiteboard to share a new and very useful framework in how to approach these two questions about the human condition. He says that when we don’t feel loved and accepted, the human response is usually a roller coaster of anxiety and depression, which can cause us to turn to resources that confirm our worthlessness (porn or lies or viewing your spouse and God as a jailer) or resources that confirm our worth (telling the truth, viewing your spouse and God as a loving friend, and unconditional community).

Ultimately the goal is to be okay with yourself and without the need to turn to substances of abuse to escape this dynamic.

Steve then shows how you can map out your own tools that will confirm your worth, help you manage your emotions, and help break the addiction cycle of compulsion.

Our Favorite Quotes From This Episode

  • We are biologically designed to be in community. We’re biologically designed to be a part of a family. It’s survival.
  • When we feel anxious, it’s because we don’t have control over the given circumstances. But we often become less anxious about life when we can trust that the other person is going to be there for us.
  • If depression is about hopelessness, then we are constantly, as human beings, responsible for our own ability to build a bridge to the future.
  • Anxiety and excitement are very closely tied together. Anxiety isn’t necessarily bad, but when you feel anxious, you have to be mindful of what am I trying to control.
  • If you’re living on the truth side, then you’re not going to turn to porn anyway because you don’t like the consequences of having to tell people the things that you do.
  • The fundamental truth of Christianity is that we are free and that Christ died for our sins and we are free to live our own lives and grow in our own ways.
  • Figure out who the hell you want to be and live that life.
  • Porn is trying to hide from this dynamic of really being alive and being an adult.
  • I would say it is any adult’s responsibility to find unconditional, loving community.
  • Anxiety isn’t necessarily bad. A little bit of anxiety means you’re living your life. It means that you are setting sail for your own individuated life with Jesus with you and you’re going out and you’re becoming your own fricken person.
  • No one’s your jailer. This is your life and whether you recognize it or not, you’re living your own life. So do you want it to be in this addiction cycle or do you want to gain the tools of becoming more individuated?
  • Isolation is you’re just going to stew in your own juices and end up jacking off to porn. Pretty much a guarantee. You need to be connected to people and you need to be talking about things to make sense out of how you’re feeling and what it means.

 

The post What Is Behind My Compulsive Behavior? appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Read More